It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
