Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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