some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
