it hurts more in the daytime
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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