Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
