MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
