Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
