Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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