Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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