"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
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then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
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Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
40s are totally the cure
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.