I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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