I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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