I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wanna passion pit in your ass
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
