I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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