just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
