dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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