Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
