I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
