my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
