Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
