I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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