i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
