We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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