the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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