I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
This is my gift to your gina
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
