i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
