Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
