I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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