he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
