I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i am craving dick and cupcakes
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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