i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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