so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
