He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
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If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
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Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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