Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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