I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
