On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
