Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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