Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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