think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
