someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
