consequently i now know what mace tastes like
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
