yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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