I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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