filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
