i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
