Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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