i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
