Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
