I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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