i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You are a genius and a whore.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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