if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
