Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
