I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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