i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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