On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
