i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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